Season 2 - The Comic Book Season

Batman & Robin (1997) - May 20, 2016

-Starring: George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, and Alicia Silverstone-

Our first episode of the Comic Book Season of The Darkest Timeline is unquestionably one of the worst comic book films to ever be conceived, if you're confused, I'm saying that Batman & Robin is our inaugural film. I don't really feel the need to tell you about the film, because I don't really like talking about it in general, except now we have to for an hour. Great. Buy it here.

Reached by virtue of choosing it first

Catwoman (2004) - May 27, 2016

-Starring: Halle Berry-

The second episode of our Comic Book Season is one of the worst sudo-spin-off's I've ever seen. Definitely the worst version of Catwoman ever seen on screen. Honestly, as of writing this, it's been years since I've seen this movie, and I'm not really happy that streak is now broken. Thanks Halle, you've been great. Buy the uncontrollably terrible film here, you masochist.

Reached by virtue of choosing it second

Presenters:

David

Bret

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

Presenters:

David

Bret

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

Green Lantern (2011) - June 3, 2016

-Starring: Ryan Reynolds-

Man did Ryan Reynolds have a lot of rolls in a lot of comic book movies before he was able to give us Deadpool. I would say it was worth it, but have you seen Blade Trinity or X-Men Origins: Wolverine or R.I.P.D. or this movie? Seriously, that's a rough road. I'm gonna go watch Deadpool now. Anyway, I don't think you should buy this movie, but if you feel the need you can do it here.

Reached by virtue of Dylan choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

The Guyver (1991) - June 10, 2016

-Starring: Jack Armstrong-

Our fourth comic movie ventures to the realm of Japanese manga, with the American adaptation of Bio-Boosted Armor: Guyver. Looking at the poster might misrepresent what we're watching since Mark Hamill is neither "The Guyver" nor in anything more than a minor role. You might call that poster deceptive. That would be because it is deceptive. I think it's worth noting that the star of the film is neither named nor pictured on that poster. The movie is also not that great. That being said, since it's tradition at this point, you can buy it here.

Reached by virtue of Ian choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Brett

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

N/A

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) - June 17, 2016

-Starring: Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, and Margot Kidder-

The fifth movie this season is the infamous Superman killer, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It should go without saying that Christopher Reeve stars as Superman in this movie. Unlike the last movie we saw, at least this one doesn't lie about itself on the movie poster. That is just about all it does right, though. If you're in the mood for that kind of thing, you can go ahead and buy the movie here. Not sure why you would though...

Reached by virtue of Dylan choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

Mystery Men (1999) - June 24, 2016

-Starring: Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, and Hank Azaria-

Our sixth movie this season is the highest rated film we've ever done, strangely enough. Its Metascore is GREEN for the love of Brinloft! How did this happen? Anywho, we're watching the 1999 superhero comedy Mystery Men. So here's the thing about this movie: we picked it from memory, and it really turned out to be a pretty good movie and our memories are crap. Damn. Buy it here if you want to watch a movie that parody's a genre that means a lot more now than when it actually came out.

Reached by virtue of Ian choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

The Return of Swamp Thing (1989) - July 2, 2016

-Starring: Dick Durock and Louis Jourdan-

Once upon a time... ...in 1982, Wes Craven decided to do an okay horror movie based on the Vertigo Comic "Swamp Thing."  Seven years later a soft-core porn director who occasionally does B-Movies decides to direct the sequel. This was clearly a good decision. Oh wait, I had that wrong: This was clearly a bad decision. There we go. To make matters stranger, where the first movie was classified as a horror, this one is mostly a sci-fi comedy. And here's the Amazon link, because it's always there.

Reached by virtue of David choosing the high card

Presenters:

Brett

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

N/A

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) - July 8, 2016

-Starring: Elias Koteas, Paige Turco, Stuart Wilson-

So, for the eighth film in the Comic Book Season, chance lead us to watch the 1993 confusion-fest that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. According to the poster, it's "The Most Exciting Adventure in 400 Years", assuming that, between 1603 (the film's time period) and 1993, there has been no adventure either real or imagined that was more exciting than this. They might be wrong. To be fair, one of the movie posters says the movie takes place in 1593, so they're not the most trustworthy bunch. Buy it here you psychopath.

Reached by virtue of Ian choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Brett

Ian

Dylan

John

Metascore

N/A

Spider-Man 3 (2007) - July 15, 2016

-Starring:  Tobey Maguire, James Franco, Kirsten Dunst,

Thomas Haden Church, and Topher Grace-

For the ninth episode this season, we tackle Tobey Maguire's final foray as the wall-crawling web-slinger Spider-Man in Spider-Man 3. Are you ready for emo-Parker and way too much focus on MJ's jazz singing career? We're not. The funny part is, it's not that the movie was bad that it didn't get a sequel, it made a lot of money. It's because Sam Raimi couldn't nail down what he wanted the sequel to be that Sony pulled the plug and rebooted that whole thing, which was clearly a good choice on their part. You can go ahead and buy it movie here.

Reached by virtue of Ian choosing the high card

Presenters:

Ian

Dylan

John

Metascore

R.I.P.D. (2013) - July 22, 2016

-Starring:  Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds-

For the tenth episode this season, we bring the pain with our second Ryan Reynolds film. Get ready for the ghosties, it's time to watch R.I.P.D. and I've already run out of material for this description. Oh right, Jeff Bridges was in it too, basically playing the same character he played in True Grit, only not as good. Whatever. It tanked and will never have have a sequel. Too bad about that, cause this really could have been a much better movie, which I'm sure we'll get into. Buy it here, if that's what you want for your life.

Reached by virtue of Dylan choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Brett

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

Blade Trinity (2004) - July 29, 2016

-Starring: Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, and Ryan Reynolds-

For the eleventh comic movie, we have-- God Damn It! Another bad Ryan Reynolds comic movie? Come one, we just did R.I.P.D.! When will our torture end? (I suppose it will end with X-Men Origins: Wolverine... great.) But Blade Trinity? Really? Seriously Ryan, we're glad Deadpool came out and all, but that's a seriously weathered road you had to travel. Anyway, now for Blade Trinity, and we don't have anyone to blame this time. Buy it here.

Reached by virtue of Brett choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Brett

Ian

Dylan

John

Metascore

Jonah Hex (2010) - August 5, 2016

-Starring: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich, and Michael Fassbender-

For our dozenth movie this, the Comic book season, we're picking up that western vibe from R.I.P.D. and going full force with Jonah Hex! That exclamation point by no means implies excitement, at least not for all of us. Hex has superpowers for God's sake. What's that about? Where did they even get that idea? I may have gone off topic a bit, but the thing tanked for a reason. If you're so into westerns that you'll watch any movie at all that features even a single cowboy hat, buy the film here.

Reached by virtue of Ian choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

John

Metascore

Guest

Presenter:

Josh

Priest (2011) - August 12, 2016

-Starring: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, and Maggie Q-

For our baker's dozenth movie this season we're violently switching gears from a supernatural western to a supernatural dystopian future. Oh wait, never mind, That's not really that big a change. From the past to the future I guess is all it is. In any case, Paul Bettany is a vampire hunter and has a cross tattooed on his face, so that really says all you need to know about this film. Those of us who haven't seen it are looking forward to it for some reason, those of us who have seen it are keeping our damn mouths shut. Anyway, buy it here.

Reached by virtue of David choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

John

Metascore

Howard the Duck (1986) - August 19, 2016

-Starring: Chip Zien, Lea Thompson, and Tim Robbins-

I have to write a paragraph about Howard the Duck. I don't even know who to say it's starring. I know nothing about this movie, other than it's supposed to be bad. I honestly don't think any of us have seen it. Well, it stars Howard, who is a duck and not from this universe. I also hear that the Howard the Duck scene in the end of Guardians of the Galaxy is better than this entire movie. Alright, that's a lie, you caught me. I'm just assuming that's true. In any case, buy the movie here, if that's what you want.

Reached by virtue of John choosing the high card

Metascore

N/A

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) - August 26, 2016

-Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Dominic Monaghan, and Ryan Reynolds-

For our fifteenth movie this season we watch the film that very nearly killed Wolverine as a character and certainly left a bad taste in many mouths. X-Men Origins: Wolverine was certainly not the best of the X-Men franchise. Mercifully, this film is also the final film starring Ryan Reynolds that we're watching this season. Technically this movie made the Deadpool movie a possibility, so at least there's that, so buy it here if you want that for yourself.

Reached by virtue of Dylan choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Brett

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

John

Guest

Presenter:

Josh

Cowboys & Aliens (2011) - September 2, 2016

-Starring: Daniel Craig, Olivia Wilde, and Harrison Ford-

For the sixteenth film of the comic book season that asked the question; Why not? Not finding a good enough answer, they went on to create the Cowboys & Aliens movie. I would like to take this moment to say that this film did what few films can do. It aligned it's rottentomatoes.com scores. The Top Critics, All Critics, and Audience Score all lie at 43%, which is a damned impressive thing to pull off. Bravo Jon Favreau, you've done it again. Back when I first saw this film, in 2011, I thought it was okay, nothing spectacular, but not all that bad. Let's see what a second viewing brings. In any case, buy the movie here to join in on the fun.

Reached by virtue of Brett choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

John

Metascore

Barb Wire (1996) - September 9, 2016

-Starring: Pamela Anderson-

For the seventeenth film this season we've drawn up Barb Wire (1996) starring Pamela Anderson, well known for being a great actress. I'm kidding. That's not why she's known. And here I thought we would get through this season without seeing this movie. No such luck, and here I'd gone my entire life without seeing even a single scene from this absolute crime against cinema. I guess that turned out well for me.  Life is over, buy it here since that's what the world's come to.

Reached by virtue of  David choosing the high card

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012) - September 16, 2016

-Starring: Nicholas Cage-

For the eighteenth and final film in the comic book season, we will be watching the second and final Nick Cage Ghost Rider; Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Sure, the first one isn't a great movie either, but at least this one isn't as boring and features a much Nick Cageier Nick Cage, and that's usually the best part of his films anyway. I am not ashamed in any way to tell you that I personally like the second film much better than the first. I could go into why, but I only have room left to tell you to buy it here.

Reached by virtue of  needing a movie to follow Nick Cage from

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

Metascore

Season 2 Post-Season Episode - September 16, 2016

-Starring: Just Us Presenters-

This week we don't watch a movie, or at least not one that we talk about in this podcast. And it probably won't be a bad movie at that. Anyway, the boys reminisce about this past season and rate all the movies from the best to the worst, then wax sympathetic of the humble beginnings of the podcast, and then move on and talk about the future and how the third season will have a few more bells and whistles than previous seasons. Probably.

Reached by virtue of  needing a one week break

Presenters:

David

Ian

Dylan

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