Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat Annihilation NES cartJoin Ian, Dylan, and guest Josh as they just head first into their very first Patreon Exclusive podcast, back in November of 2016. For our inaugural Patreoncast (never saying that again) we watched the theatrical cut of Highlander 2 (1991), which would have been a lot harder to find if we hadn't got a hold of it back in February (just in case). Truly, this movie takes some of the best parts of the original Highlander and did what the Highlander series does best: retconned them out of existence. Ah, Highlander, always one-upping yourself in how to ruin your own series. Thank God it’s over now. Oh wait, never mind, they're trying to reboot it now, which I'm sure will be great. In any case, this one stars Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Virginia Madsen, and Michael Ironside.

I can almost guarantee that you will never see this version of this movie. It took me nearly a month to find a decent version of, and it was only released on DVD in France for a single printing. In other words, everyone had the right idea and let the theatrical version sink to the bottom of the proverbial sea.

See you next month.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat Annihilation NES cartJoin Ian, Dylan, and John as they justify the existence of the second Patreon Exclusive podcast, back in December 2016. Which, by the way, came out on Christmas Day. In any case, we watched the red-headed step-child of all things Dragonball; 2009's Dragonball Evolution.

To properly describe Dragonball Evolution, first one must think of everything that would make a passable live-action Dragonball movie (I know, it's hard since it's never been done before), now throw out all of that except the base Cliff-notes (minus more than a few lines). If you can't figure that on your own, don't worry, there's a short 15 minute synopsis at the beginning of the podcast in case you've never seen the movie. Anyway, this one stars Justin Chatwin, Emmy Rossum, James Marsters, Jamie Chung, Chow Yun-fat, Joon Park, and Eriko Tamura.

I suppose saying "starring" is a bit of a misnomer, since no one in this entire film gives a performance worthy of being called a star. Even James Marsters, who really tried his best to save this awful film. And he really likes DragonBall. So how did everyone else get roped in?

See you next month.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat Annihilation NES cartJoin Ian, Dylan, and John for the third Patreon Choice podcast that aired on Patreon in January 2017, for this episode they reviewed that most tubular of ass-kicking slug-fests... Surf Ninjas (1993). I may have played that up a little bit much for what it actually is. But yes, Surf Ninjas, which was... well I can't actually remember how it was since we watched it six months ago, but I'm sure it was great. That's why we pick these right? Cause they're great?

No? Too bad. Anyway, it stars Ernie Reyes, Jr., Rob Schneider, Nicolas Cowan and Leslie Nielsen. Yeah. I know.

Fun fact (depends on the definition of "fun"); some of the movies plot elements were co-opted from a Disney show from the late 80's called "Sidekicks". For instance, the fictionalized island nation of Patusan, that the main character is the last in line of something of other and left Patusan as a child, the MC lives in Los Angeles now, and the MC is Ernie Reyes Jr.

Not really sure how something like that isn't actually mentioned in the Wikipedia pages for either of them. Although it is mentioned in Patusans' page. Whatever, I don't even care anymore.

See you next week.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat Annihilation NES cartJoin Ian, Dylan, and John for the fourth Patron's Choice podcast that originally aired on Patreon 6 months ago, a film that dared to ask, "Can we make people wish arcades never existed?" Pixels! Yeah, the Adam Sandler vehicle that you barely even remember coming out. How we felt about this movie may surprise you.

But it wasn't just Adam Sandler in this mess of 3D cubic pixel art! It also stars Kevin James, Josh Gad, Peter Dinklage, Michelle Monaghan, Brian Cox, Ashley Benson, and Jane Krakowski. I feel like I can't even say anything here since we recorded this six months ago, so I don't even remember what we covered. Don't want to go and repeat myself without knowing it, do I?

Bet you didn't know, but this film was "adapted" from a French short film that was merely two minutes long. It was a simple film about pixels escaping a 1980's television and invading the world, eventually turning it into a giant pixel.

Somehow someone took that idea and made it into a disaster-comedy. I'm not sure how many of those there are in the world, but I think the world could have kept on turning without this one lurking upon it. Maybe I'm being dramatic.

See you next week.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Mortal Kombat Annihilation NES cartJoin David, Ian, and Dylan for the fifth Patrons' Choice podcast from March 2017, where they review the red-headed step-child of the Christopher Reeves Superman franchise. No, not Superman III. No not Superman IV (we already did that). It is none other than 1984's "Supergirl" starring Helen Slater as Supergirl, along with Faye Dunaway, Mia Farrow and Peter O'Toole.

I'm not going to lie, this movie doesn't make much sense in the established Superman film canon of the time, and to be perfectly honest, it doesn't really make much sense judged by the logic of the film itself. Look at me, insinuating this film has logic.

Fun fact unrelated to anything I've said thus far, Helen Slater, who played Supergirl (i.e. Kara Zor-El) in this film, plays Kara's adoptive mother on the currently running Supergirl TV series. It's just like when Christopher Reeves appeared as a scientist on Smallville, or when George Lazenby (the second 007) and one of his Bond girls appeared as aliens impersonating Jor El and his wife in the 1988 Superboy TV series.

Or is that last one different somehow?

See you next week.

Godzilla (1998)

Godzilla (1998)Join Ian, Dylan, and John (from six months ago) for a Patron's Choice review of the only completely stand-alone Godzilla film ever made. A Godzilla film so bad that franchising it was impossible and the sequel was immediately scrapped. Yes, we watched Godzilla (1998), starring Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria, Kevin Dunn, Arabella Field, Michael Lerner, and Harry Shearer.

Here's a random fact that won't spoil anything from this podcast for you: I actually like the animated series sequel better than this movie. It has better action, and honestly, it doesn't really need much else than that. Give me a situation where Godzilla fights other large monsters and it just feels right. Sure, the acting is not the best, but that's not all that different from the movie anyway, so what are you complaining about?

I don't really want to harp on about how much this film  ruined Godzilla, since we do that all throughout the podcast, but I want it to be known (cause I can't remember if we mentioned it in the podcast) that I have seen every single Godzilla film, so if I'm telling you that they really messed this up, then it's a fact, if you follow me.

See you in two weeks. (We're taking next week off)

Barbarella - 1968

Barbarella - 1968Join Ian, Dylan, and Josh from May 2017 in their Patron's Choice review of a film that dared to be all show and no substance. Yes, that mysterious science film sex-romp that somehow only received a PG rating despite feature a rather high amount of nudity, 1968's "Barbarella" starring Jane Fonda, Ugo Tognazzi, Anita Pallenberg, Milo O'Shea, Marcel Marceau, Claude Dauphin, David Hemmings, and John Phillip Law.

This was Josh's last podcast with us before he moved away for personal reasons. We remember him well and wish him the best. That said, it's weird for three guys to watch this alone together. It's just not the kind of movie for that kind of situation, so I've always wished that we could have had a less awkward movie watching experience for his final podcast, but I guess that ship has sailed.

Seriously though, the sheer amount of nudity in this film, especially thinking about how conservative movies rated "PG" nowadays are, is completely staggering. There are just topless women walking around like it's not big deal. I suppose this was before PG-13, but still, not even that.

See you next week.

Jem and the Holograms - 2015

Jem and the Holograms - 2015Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for their Patron's Choice review from June 2017 of a movie that definitely should never have been made. A movie that brought us to tears of anger and gnashing of teeth. I'm saying we didn't like it. It was 2015's Jem and the Holograms, "starring" Aubrey Peeples, Stefanie Scott, Hayley Kiyoko, Aurora Perrineau, Ryan Guzman, Molly Ringwald, and Juliette Lewis.

It is nearly impossible to say how completely insanely off-base this movie is compared to its alleged source material. I say "alleged" because just about everyone who ever had to do with Jem before this movie came out has denounced it entirely. But I guess that Hasbro couldn't resist going after another one of their properties after Transformers and G.I. Joe did so well. Box office if not rating. This movie did neither.

Side-note, I had completely forgotten that Molly Ringwald was in this movie till I wrote it in the beginning of this description. Man, now I want to watch Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles. And I was just about to go to bed too, but I guess sleep can wait when classic John Hughes is involved.

See you next week.

The Cobbler - 2014

The Cobbler - 2014Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for their Patron's Choice review from June 2017 of a movie that definitely should never have been made. A movie that brought us to tears of anger and gnashing of teeth. I'm saying we didn't like it. It was 2015's Jem and the Holograms, "starring" Aubrey Peeples, Stefanie Scott, Hayley Kiyoko, Aurora Perrineau, Ryan Guzman, Molly Ringwald, and Juliette Lewis.

It is nearly impossible to say how completely insanely off-base this movie is compared to its alleged source material. I say "alleged" because just about everyone who ever had to do with Jem before this movie came out has denounced it entirely. But I guess that Hasbro couldn't resist going after another one of their properties after Transformers and G.I. Joe did so well. Box office if not rating. This movie did neither.

Side-note, I had completely forgotten that Molly Ringwald was in this movie till I wrote it in the beginning of this description. Man, now I want to watch Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles. And I was just about to go to bed too, but I guess sleep can wait when classic John Hughes is involved.

See you next week.

Delta Farce - 2007

Delta Farce - 2007Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for the Patron's Choice review from July 2017 where they watch a film that abjectly refused to ba taken seriously. A film that would not allow us to smile again for at least a month. A film that brought entire nations to cry tears of grief, for comedy had finally died. A film that would bring me to extreme exaggeration, even six months after the fact. Yes, we watched that 2007 Larry the Cable Guy fueled mess that was "Delta Farce" starring Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, DJ Qualls, Danny Trejo, and Keith David.

The last time I thought about this movie was six months ago, and that was enough for the rest of my life. But now I have to once again, so at the very least I should put in a fun fact we didn't know at the time: During this podcast we compare this movie (unfavorably) to "The Three Amigos" (which you should go see if you never have), and it just so happens that the Wikipedia page says this film is a remake of The Three Amigos. Don't get too excited, cause it doesn't look like that information exists anywhere else online other than that Wikipedia page, so it's probably bunk. Still a fun fact though.

See you next week.

Oscar - 1991

Oscar - 1991Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the 11th Patron's Choice podcast that went up last September on our Patreon, we reviewed 1991's slapstick comedy (at least I'm pretty sure that it was the only one that year, being a rare genre and all) that was perfect in every way, had a perfect cast, perfect direction, a perfect script, and a perf-- no don't take me away! I'm not crazy, I'm the only one who's not crazy!!!

That's right, we watched "Oscar" starring Sylvester Stallone, Marisa Tomei, Ornella Muti, Tim Curry and Chazz Palminteri. I may have been a little overzealous with my praise of the film before. I was wrong; I am sorry.

I'll be honest; it's been six months since I saw this film, so I don't exactly remember how the film goes or exactly what we thought about it, so I'm just going to say that Sylvester Stallone isn't commonly known for his comedy roles, his comedic timing, or really anything else comedy related, yet John Landis decided that it was a good idea to remake a French play practically as a bottle movie and have Sylvester Stallone star in it. I think I remember Sly doing a passable job, but I don't really know, so just listen to the podcast.

See you next week.

Ishtar - 1987

Ishtar - 1987Join us for the twelfth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode originally aired on Patreon six months ago, and it is a film that I suppose we could call divisive in its day, but has become a cult classic in this day and age. And that film was "Ishtar" starring Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman! It was six months ago, so I can't really remember what exactly we thought about that film, but I'm reasonably sure that we decided that it was Gods work. This film had such a negative reception that it caused the director, Elaine May, to not direct anything again until 2016 when she directed a posthumous documentary on the life of a dear friend, and former comedy partner, Mike Nichols. It's been six months and we all still find ourselves quoting the film every so often.

The most unfortunate part of the film was how it was judged for its budget before anyone ever saw it. Depending on where you look, the film cost anywhere between $40 to $55 million, which was extremely expensive for a comedy in 1987. But the deathblow was the paltry $14.4 million gross.

See you next week.

Ishtar - 1987

Ishtar - 1987Welcome to the thirteenth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode originally aired on Christmas Eve 2017, and accidentally continues our Darkest Timeline Wrestling Gauntlet theme, in that it stars Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus. That's right, we watched 2005's "Santa's Slay"! It was another one of those iffy picks that only had a limited theatrical run, but boy were we glad that we let it slide, if I even remember correctly. This is also the final podcast we ever recorded with a horrendous technical issue that led to much worse sound than usual. Things sure were different six months ago, still using only one mic to record all of us as opposed to the multi-mic setup we have now. But I think Brinloft explains all that at the beginning of the podcast.

Anyway, I can't find anywhere how much it cost to make this movie, or how much it made in its limited theatrical run, so there's no way to give you any of that information.

Join us next week as we continue the Wrestling Gauntlet by watching 2016's "Kickboxer: Vengeance".

Ishtar - 1987

Ishtar - 1987Welcome to the fourteenth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode originally aired six months ago.  It is Arnold Schwarzenegger's first film role, and we watched the version that didn't have someone else dub over his lines, which is so much harder to understand. Love it. Or did we?

The film cost an estimated $300,000 to make and I can find nowhere that reports what it made back anywhere. Any help would be appreciated.

Ishtar - 1987Welcome to the fifteenth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode originally aired around six month ago. We went many different, very strange, places that I'm not sure how we got to in the first place. The film stars Kevin James and cost $26 million and made $146,336,178 in the United States, and  $36,956,953 everywhere else in the world for a worldwide total of  $183,293,131. I guess that's why it had a sequel, unfortunately.

Welcome to the sixteenth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode originally aired on February 27th, 2018, and almost broke us as people, if I remember correctly. It was practically record-breaking, in that we almost turned it off after seven and a half minutes and watched "Smokey and the Bandit Part 3" instead. Alternatively, we almost just quit after seven and a half minutes and nearly did a podcast on just that much of the movie, but we decided against it, cause we didn't want to set a precedent of being able to quit. We're not quitters. The film starred Alan Cumming, Evan Rachel Wood, Kristin Chenoweth, Maya Rudolph, Alfred Molina, and Sam Palladio.

Strange Magic cost an estimated $70 - $100 million dollars to make, and I just bet you can't guess if something George Lucas did in 2015 flopped or not. Of course, the answer is: it flopped hard. It only made $13.6 million worldwide and only a little over a single million of that was outside the United States.

Join us next week as we start our next "normal" season with the Nick Cage classic, 2004's "National Treasure."

Welcome to the seventeenth Patron's Choice Podcast from our Patreon. This episode was originally uploaded in March of 2018. It was an important podcast in that this is the first podcast with our current microphone setup that made everything sound better, and unimportant in that we hated this movie and got completely trashed as a result. Anyway, We watched 2016's Norm of the North, which was an incredibly preachy film about not building condos in the Arctic; which, if I'm not wrong, is in no way a problem, and probably never will be, at least until the temperature rises high enough for the Arctic to no longer be so arctic. Happy thoughts. This feel-good film starred Rob Schneider, Heather Graham, Ken Jeong, Colm Meaney, Loretta Devine, Gabriel Iglesias, Michael McElhatton, and Bill Nighy.

Norm of the North cost a reported $18 million to make. In the United States, it made back roughly $17 million, and a further $13.4 million on the International scene, for a combined World Wide gross of $30.5 million. Mercifully; no sequel.

Join us next week for 1993's "The Three Musketeers"! (This Didn't Happen)

Welcome to the eighteenth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode was originally uploaded on Patreon in April 2018. As might be apparent, this episode originally aired during our wrestling season. It may have been the "final episode" of that season, but I really can't find it in me to look that deeply into this episode today. I believe that, in this episode we describe the film as Vince McMahon's wet dream of how important he thinks the WWF/E was/is. Now, don't get me wrong, I love wrestling and WWE has been great at points, and to be fair this was during the "Golden Era", but I'm not sure how much that should count towards how good the film is. This film stars Hulk Hogan, Kurt Fuller, Joan Severance, and Tiny Lister. But let's be real, there is not a single star of this film.

No Holds Barred had an estimated $8 million budget, and made back $16,093,651 in the United States, which I suppose is fine, but surely not what Vince wanted. There was mercifully no release outside the states.

Join us next week for (finally) our Three Musketeers (1993) episode. (This Will Happen)

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