Next - 2007

Mortal Kombat Annihilation NES cartJoin David, Ian, and Dylan as they jump headlong into season 5 of the Darkest Timeline through our season starting mainstay Nick Cage! This week we watched that thriller about an iffy magician that can see two minutes into the future, unless caveats happen, Next (2007)! Can't say we didn't enjoy this one on some level. In any case it stars Nicholas Cage, Julianne Moore, Jessica Biel, Thomas Kretschmann, Tory Kittles, and Peter Falk.

You may be unaware, but the original script for the film was loosely based on the science fiction short story "The Golden Man" by Philip K. Dick. That original script was a far cry from what we ended up with in this film, although subsequent drafts brought it further and further away from the original Philip K. Dick story, so this movie can barely hold that title, but, you know, Hollywood.

Thankfully the draft dealing with a DHS agent's search for unconventional assets in the war on terror (with the DHS itself being an unregulated power-machine), focusing his search on the precognitive mutant Chris, didn't happen. Probably would have been a downer.

See you NEXT week. I'm a terrible person.

Planet 51 - 2009

Planet 51 - 2009Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett as they continue with child-like eyes into Season 5 by watching 2009's CG animated Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson vehicle that he didn't actually want anything to do with at first and should have stuck to his guns about. That's right, we reviewed Planet 51! At least the animators worked hard during production, and Dwayne tried his best, but I can't really say anything about anyone else. If you do happen to watch this movie, best to watch it on mute and just enjoy how good it looks, cause everything else is just a waste of your valuable time. It stars Dwayne Johnson, Jessica Biel, Justin Long, Gary Oldman, Seann William Scott, and John Cleese.

Someday we're going to have to stop doing this to ourselves, but today is not that day. If we can take solace in one thing, it's that we're not having as bad a time as The Rock was while he was doing this movie. He'd never done voice work before, and there weren't any voice actors in the cast that he could ask for advice, and we were punished for it. But I don't blame dear old Dwayne, I love most of his movies. This is the fault of the producers, and probably the writer.

See you next week. No puns today.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - 2013

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - 2013Join Ian,Dylan, and special guest (their Dad) John as they look into the eyes of 2013 far more faithful adaptation of the G.I. Joe Franchise than it's 2009 predecessor and refuse to blink. That's right, we reviewed G.I. Joe: Retaliation! I like to call this kind of movie an "apology sequel". It's the movie that happens when the previous film isn't good but still somehow makes enough to warrant a sequel, but they try to make it better because Hell froze over and and executive actually paid attention to critiques of the original. Thus: no super suits. You know, the treatment the second Michael Bay Ninja Turtles movie should have had, but didn't. In any case, Retaliation stars Dwayne Johnson, D. J. Cotrona, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Stevenson, Bruce Willis, Byung-hun Lee, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Arnold Vosloo, and Channing Tatum. That's a lot of people.

I'm not saying this movie was perfect by any stretch of the imagination, it was even reviewed worse than the first film by some outlets, but it was our opinion here that it was a much better adaptation of the source material than the first one, and sometimes that's all you can ask for.

See you next week.

Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever - 2002

Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever - 2002Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for the fourth episode of season 5 that should have aired nearly a month ago, but we had to put  it on hold to wait for Brett to get back from Chicago since he had dibs on it, yes, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), which stars Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu as the titular Ecks and Sever.

It usually takes a lot to get critics to agree, but this film sports a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, so I guess it really only takes about 91 minutes, assuming they stayed for the credits. But yeah, this film just shouldn't have been a thing.

Fun fact: two video games came out of this movie being a thing: 2001's "Ecks vs Sever"; an FPS for the GameBoy Advance which didn't follow the same story, since it was made before the film went into production. And 2002's "Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever", also an FPS for the GBA, but did follow the film's story.

Here's where the facts get fun.

Both games were very well received, with the first game being called "the best GBA first person shooter to date" and "one of the best four player games made yet for the Game Boy Advance". How many games based on movies can you name that did that much better than the film they were based on?

See you next week.

Assassins - 1995

Assassins - 1995Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the fifth episode of season 5, where they reviewed the film that asked the question; Can action movies be boring too? And found the answer was "Yes". 1995's Assassins! It stars Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Banderas, and Julianne Moore. And let me tell you, two out of the three of them were passable in the film. You'll have to listen to the podcast to figure out who. Or you could watch the movie, but I don't recommend that course of action. It's not a thing for the faint of heart.

Wait, I had that wrong. This is the perfect movie for the faint of heart. That's just how boring it is. Have fun. Meanwhile, what happened to episode four? Well, it's coming out in a few weeks. Our recording schedule was a touch atypical.

In any case, this is one of only two films that Antonio Banderas and Sylvester Stallone have done together to date. This was the first, and the second was 2014's Expendables 3, which naturally lightly references this film. Also, we're doing it next week, if you bothered reading the "Next Week" section on the home page. Bet you can't wait for that. Neither can I, but I don't have to since we recorded it a week ago.

See you next week.

The Expendables 3 - 2014

The Expendables 3 - 2014Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the sixth episode of season 5, where they review a film that was pulled straight out of the 1980's and shoved down our throats with much violence: The Expendables 3! And here's a list for you: the ensemble cast features Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford and Arnold Schwarzenegger. For real; wow.

I won't say it's a perfect movie, but I am going to say that it probably didn't deserve the rating that it got. There were some really good performances in this film, but I won't say anything more since that would just ruin the podcast for everyone.

Unfortunately, this was the first Expendables movie that didn't end up with an "R" rating, instead being rated "PG-13" by the MPAA, which was a decision that didn't sit well with most fans, myself included. I feel the action would have been elevated to a whole new level with a simple change of rating, although I suppose it really goes the other way around: violence before rating. I feel like that sounds weird.

See you next week.

Entourage - 2015

Entourage - 2015Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the seventh episode of season 5, where they review a film that none of them actually understood the deeper character plots of because they'd only ever seen one or two episodes of the show it was based on. That's right, they watched "Entourage" (2015), which stars Kevin Connolly, Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon, Jerry Ferrara and Jeremy Piven. Also there are a ton of celebrity cameos. I'm not going to say that this movie shouldn't have been made, all the critics already said that, so it's a bit of a moot point.

Sick burn. I'm out.

Okay I'm back since this is only half done and I don't get paid for incomplete work. Or complete work for that matter. Anyway, it may interest you to know that the scene in the end of the movie that takes place at the Golden Globe Awards was actually filmed on the red carpet at the 72nd Golden Globe Awards. In no world a spoiler alert: they win in the end. It's Entourage. What do you want.

Ironically, in real life, this movie won nothing at the Golden Globes. In fact, it wasn't even nominated for anything. Geez, talk about expectation vs reality.

See you next week.

The Lone Ranger - 2013

The Lone Ranger - 2013Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the eighth episode of season 5, where they review a western that could have done without a framing device of any kind, or most of the weird magic stuff that may or may not have even happened (they're really inspecific about that kind of thing). That's right, we watched "The Lone Ranger" (2015), which stars Armie Hammer and Johnny Depp, with  William Fichtner, Barry Pepper, Ruth Wilson, James Badge Dale, Tom Wilkinson and Helena Bonham Carter in supporting roles. Now there's a cast list that Tim Burton wouldn't mind.

Anyway, it may interest you to know that this was the first theatrical Lone Ranger film in 32 years. Maybe they should have waited a little longer? Yes? I believe that's a yes.

Also, at one point in 2002, Tonto was almost the female love interest, which, I admit whole heartedly, probably would have made a better film, and I'm actually surprised that it isn't a comic book yet. Seriously, someone needs to get on that. For that matter, there was a Green Hornet comic where Kato was a girl for God's sake! Get your inclusiveness together Hollywood, you're being left behind.

See you next week.

The Green Hornet - 2011

The Green Hornet - 2011Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they review a strangely comedy-esque take on a serious hero of a 1930's radio serial, that was previously successfully adapted into a television show in the 60's. Yes, we watched 2011's "The Green Hornet", starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz, Edward James Olmos, David Harbour, Tom Wilkinson and Cameron Diaz.

I really like The Green Hornet, not this movie, which I still like, just not like-like. But at the very least I like the idea of The Green Hornet; a hero who everyone thinks is a villain. Definitely a stroke of genius on the part of his creators, George W. Trendle and Fran Striker. No mean feat for something to work well enough to be around for more than eighty years after it's inception.

Yeah, he's been around since 1936. That's three years longer than Batman, and I think it's a shame that he doesn't get as much respect as his bat-themed contemporary. Sure, he's had off-and-on comic book outings since 1940, but they've been with six different comic publishers over the years, so it's impossible to keep it consistent, since there's no single continuity. Right now Dynamite Entertainment owns it, and I think they've been doing a pretty good job.

See you next week.

Universal Soldier - 1992

Universal Soldier - 1992Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they review the film that many critics simply brushed off as a clone of Terminator 2, but really offers much much more. Yes, we watched 1992's "Universal Soldier", starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolf Lundgren, Ally Walker, Ed O'Ross, and Jerry Orbach.

It really didn't help that the trailer reused music from Terminator 2, but plot-wise it was much more similar to Robocop, which had come out in 1987. Although it makes sense that critics would more readily compare it to Terminator 2, since that came out in 1991, just one year before this film. Wow, they really had some great timing.

Along a completely separate line of inquiry that I'm willing to bet you didn't see coming; all the Vietnam scenes were filmed on a golf course. I suppose that makes those scenes make a little more sense.

I kid.

But seriously, I would never want to golf there. Talk about hitting a ball into the rough. Shank a ball into that forest and you're never going to see it again. Good luck dying on your journey to find it.

See you next week.

Masters of the Universe - 1987

Masters of the Universe - 1987Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they review the film that put He-Man on the map... well, a map at least. Specifically a map of glorified toy commercials that were adapted for the big screen and were subsequent box office bombs. Yes, we watched 1987's "Masters of the Universe" starring Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Courtney Cox, James Tolkan, Christina Pickles, Meg Foster, and Robert Duncan McNeill.

Of course, like many films that do for crap when they come out, Masters of the Universe is now regarded as something of a cult film. I get how it happened, but I don't think I've ever met anyone who was adamant to the point of insanity that I see, and enjoy, Masters of the Universe. Maybe I just don't get out as much as I should.

Then again, it could be that I'm the only one who's not crazy, cause everyone who says that is right about whatever they're talking about. Unless I liked the movie... Did I like the movie? I'm not telling.

If you would like to know how we felt about the movie, then you've come to the right place, just press that play button down below.

See you next week.

Second Sight - 1989

Second Sight - 1989Join Ian Dylan, and David as they review a film that, how to put it delicately, was not received well during its original theatrical run. Or any subsequent run for that matter. In fact, it currently sports a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's Right, we watched 1989's "Second Sight" starring John Larroquette, Bronson Pinchot, Stuart Pankin and Bess Armstrong.

Try as I might, I just couldn't find anywhere that listed how much this movie cost to make, but I'm willing to bet that it cost more than $5.3 million, which is how much it made in theaters. A little less than half of that was during opening weekend, so it didn't even start out well, or even okay. Even during its initial run, the film still received mostly negative reviews, with one saying that it "is utterly lacking in either charm or wit".

I'd say that it really depends on the kind of charm and wit you're looking for and what your personal definition of "charm and wit" is. Mostly the latter, or if I'm being honest, entirely the latter.

Like many movie we do, this is not for everyone.

See you next week.

Blame it on the Bellboy - 1992

Blame it on the Bellboy - 1992Join Ian, Dylan, and David for the 13th episode of Season 5 where they review a film that really really tried to be one of those fun movies that are built wholly on misunderstandings. The only problem is that those are hard to come by, and this isn't one of them. Yes, we watched 1992's "Blame it on the Bellboy" starring Dudley Moore, Bryan Brown, Patsy Kensit, Richard Griffiths, Andreas Katsulas, and featuring Bronson Pinchot as the titular bellboy.

This movie fails in a great many areas, but the one thing this movie does not fail at is being an intricately crafted comedy of errors predicated on a mass misunderstanding, it merely fails at being as good or entertaining comedy of errors predicated on a mass misunderstanding. Call me crazy, but I think that it's just a smidge important that the movie ends up either good or entertaining. It doesn't even have to be both. I still wish it was both.

Then again, if it was either good or entertaining it would never have made its way onto our radar, and we would have been stuck watching some other awful Bronson Pinchot movie, like Quest for Camelot or something.

See you next week.

F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion - 1991

F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion - 1991Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for their review of a film that could have been a better movie, in fact, there was a better movie, this just happens to be the sequel to it, which is really unfortunate. For us at least. We all really wished we were watching the first one the whole time. But yes, we watched 1991's "F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion" starring Bryan Brown and Brian Dennehy.

Here's a gap for you: the original F/X from 1986 has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 86% while F/X 2, released just 5 years later, has a rating of 31%. A rating rightfully earned if you ask us. But apparently, 5 years was just enough time to forget how to make a decent film. Successful low-key burn marked down for me. Self-five *slap*. And that's not sad at all.

Here's another sad thing, F/X2 debuted at No. 1 in the box office on its first weekend, but only grossed $21.1 million during the entire run. That's so bad that, to this day, they have never released how much this movie cost to make.

Just watch, by the time I upload this someone, out of thin air, is going to release the budget.

See you next week.

Deep Rising - 1998

Deep Rising - 1998Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for their review of a film that could have been a better movie, in fact, there was a better movie, this just happens to be the sequel to it, which is really unfortunate. For us at least. We all really wished we were watching the first one the whole time. But yes, we watched 1991's "F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion" starring Bryan Brown and Brian Dennehy.

Here's a gap for you: the original F/X from 1986 has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 86% while F/X 2, released just 5 years later, has a rating of 31%. A rating rightfully earned if you ask us. But apparently, 5 years was just enough time to forget how to make a decent film. Successful low-key burn marked down for me. Self-five *slap*. And that's not sad at all.

Here's another sad thing, F/X2 debuted at No. 1 in the box office on its first weekend, but only grossed $21.1 million during the entire run. That's so bad that, to this day, they have never released how much this movie cost to make.

Just watch, by the time I upload this someone, out of thin air, is going to release the budget.

See you next week.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - 2003

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - 2003Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for the sixteenth episode of Season 5; their review of a comic adaptation that they didn't get around to back in season 2, which is probably for the best... Yes, that amazing comic written by the magician himself (yes I said "magician", look it up, it's true), Alan Moore, 2003's "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" starring Sean Connery, Naseeruddin Shah, Peta Wilson, Tony Curran, Stuart Townsend, Shane West, Jason Flemyng, and Richard Roxburgh.

An amazing and expertly crafted comic series that is a completely mesmerizing read. Sadly the movie can not have nearly so great a review. I won't spoil exactly what we thought of the movie (even though I just kind of did) cause I want you to listen to the podcast. But, suffice to say, if you take any point within the first Volume of the comic that shines and compare it to whatever drivel Hollywood spat onto the screen, I think you should find it lacking a great deal. I may have gotten a bit pretentious there...

In any case, I can't really recommend this movie to you, but you might find it passable if you've never read the comic.

See you next week.

Dracula 2000 - 2000

Dracula 2000 - 2000Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for the 17th episode of season 5, where they review a film that puts the smolder in "don't make Dracula smolder, it's a mistake". Or am I being too on the nose again? I'll try to be coyer. -a film that answered questions about the Dracula mythos that people usually never ask if they want to have a good unencumbered time with a horror movie. Yes, we gazed in wonder at the gothic beauty that was 2000's creatively named "Dracula 2000" starring Gerard Butler, Christopher Plummer, Jonny Lee Miller, Justine Waddell, Omar Epps, Colleen Fitzpatrick, and Jennifer Esposito.

Now, I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, or doesn't want our podcast opinions ruined for them in an arguably pointless written spiel that I'm not sure anyone has ever actually read, so I'll have to make this brief. Commercially this movie didn't do well, making $47.1 million off a $54 million budget will get you that assessment. It also did very poorly critically, hence the fact that we covered it at all. So, made nothing and no one liked it but it still has two sequels written and directed by the creator and director of this film. I hope that one day someone loves you as much as Patrick Lussier loves Dracula.

See you next week.

Tale of the Mummy - 1998

Tale of the Mummy - 1998Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the 18th episode of Season 5, where they review 1998's extremely low budget not-nearly-as-good if-you-can-avoid-it-don't-bother alternative to the 1999 Mummy Movie; "Tale of the Mummy" (otherwise known as "Talos - The Mummy" in most places in the world) starring Jason Scott Lee, Louise Lombard, Sean Pertwee, Lysette Anthony, Michael Lerner, Jack Davenport, and featuring Christopher Lee as one of the first guys to die in the movie, in one of the most wasted appearances of a prestigious named actor in the history of film.

As I said above, this movie was not in fact some morons low-budget answer to Universals 1999 "The Mummy" film, it was just some morons attempt at a send-up of the Hammer films of old that just happened to coincide with Universal rebooting their own Mummy series of old. What wonderful happenstance that only ended up with one of the series standing tall, and it's not the one we're doing today. Hell, Universals "The Mummy" wound up with two sequels and five spin-offs, one on which is coming out later this year (That would be the FIFTH Scorpion King Movie). Universal rebooted The Mummy again in 2017, but the spin-off of the 1999 Mummy is still going. Food for thought.

See you next week.

Dracula 2000 - 2000

Dracula 2000 - 2000Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the 19th episode of Season 5, where they review 2002's classic that really had no business having low enough ratings to make it onto this show in the first place. A movie that audiences apparently liked more than twice as much as critics, which I guess I can understand in a way. Yes, "Equilibrium" starring Christian Bale, Emily Watson, Taye Diggs, Angus Macfadyen, Sean Bean, Matthew Harbour, and William Fichtner. Absolutely no extra points to anyone who can guess what Sean Bean's role leads to very very early in this film, as if "points" is something we do.

If you guessed "appreciated literature" then I'll give you half an imaginary point. But to the film. This movie is one of those cases where the critics and audience just can't agree. We've seen this kind of thing on the podcast before, but for the life of me I just can't remember what movie(s) it came up for. In any case, the critics (on Rotten Tomatoes) gave the film a 38%, which is classified as "rotten". However, the audience score is a much more reasonable 81%. I think, but I really can't be sure, that we actually go over why that is in this podcast. It really has all just become a blur.

See you next week.

Dracula 2000 - 2000

Dracula 2000 - 2000Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the 20th and final episode of Season 5, where they review 2006's midriff montage with a tragically overexposed film stock and not nearly enough logical plot to go around. A film that couldn't be bothered to make any kind of sense. Yes, we watched the dumb hot sister of 2002's "Equilibrium"; "Ultraviolet", written and directed by the same guy and starring Milla Jovovich, Carmeron Bright, Nick Chinlund, William Fichtner, and featuring a whole quarter of Milla Jovovich's height as her midriff. The hardest working midriff in Hollywood, they call it. What total creeps they are, those Hollywood types.

I guess you could also call me a creep, since I'm the one bringing up her midriff multiple times in this small description of the film, and I live in Los Angeles, but I'm only bringing it up because we talk about it a lot during the podcast. Not the best argument, I guess, unless I'm just trying to say that we're all creeps. Anyway, this movie isn't about vampires, no matter how much evidence is put forth to the contrary, don't believe a word of it. I don't care if they have an aversion to sunlight, fangs, and need blood to survive (via transfusion, of course, you monster); they're not vampires. See you next week.

All content herein, thereupon, or around-and-about ©2012-2017 Bunny Metal Entertainment & bunnymetal.com unless stated otherwise.

All Film Posters are © of the respective owners - IMDb logos and scoring © imdb.com, Inc - Metacritic/Metascore © CBS Interactive Inc. - Rotten Tomatoes/Tomatometer ® Fandango. All Rights Reserved